Self Discovery

I had one of those weekends that somehow put me into "My Reoccurring Discouragement." I hate to admit it happens as often as it does but it has been quite a long time since the last one (maybe I am making progress). My discouragement came this time because I began to feel that my life is completely purposeless and selfish. I end many days wondering what good to society I currently am. I can't say that even substituting is fulfilling. I miss feeling like I have made a difference in some way. On top of that, I feel like anything I do is completely selfish. Everyone has told me to find and enjoy hobbies in my free time. But I just kept feeling like that is so selfish to have quit my job and then just do things for myself. On top of all this, the reoccurring part of my discouragement is feeling that I am just worthless and unattractive and undesirable. I get set up on blind dates and they NEVER call again. And I can't say that I get asked on many dates otherwise. I am not getting any younger and the dating scene gets more and more ridiculous.

My poor little sister got to hear the brunt of my discouragement and was VERY supportive and complimentary and loving. I had to apologize multiple times for my stupidness. I am so grateful for such an amazing little sister.

Later that day I had some good time to think and a good friend to give me advice. Jim was in town and we spent the afternoon driving and hiking around the Alpine Loop. The fresh air and good company was just what I needed to pull myself out of "My Reoccurring Discouragement." Jim helped me to realize that having free time and living alone can be a very good thing...not selfish at all. He taught me that finding new talents, passions, and skills is a way to improve myself and help me to bring more skills and talents to future relationships. Plus, I need to really find what it is that defines me and makes me happy so I can better find commonalities with other people. I have realized that I have always just enjoyed being with people doing whatever they love to do. I try to blend so much with others that I lose who I am. In fact, I am not sure I know enough of who I am to enjoy being with just me. I have learned the basics of so many things but never allowed myself to get really good at a few things.

So this time has now become a time of self discovery. I am looking into community education classes and trying to find ways to better myself and the things I love. My start is with dance, guitar, and cooking. I am also thinking about self-defense, auto-mechanics, and languages. I am open for other suggestions. Here's to learning to enjoy ME! :)